My heart rate is around 180 beats per minute. It feels like somebody punched me in the solar plexus knocking the wind out of my body and then gagging me, I struggle for breath.
I can see the top. Its been 4 long hours of climbing over rocks and shale. I'm at 5600meters. Alone.
Psychology
I look back. I've never been this far above land except in an aeroplane. I get dizzy.
I grit my teeth and make my first mistake of the climb. Emotions are now present. I'm dropping down through my arsenal of weapons to get me to the top. Emotions are at the bottom of the pile.
I try positive thinking, it works for a few steps. I move to determination, it changes nothing. I think of the pride I'll have when I come down after summit, that helps for a few more steps.
As the cards of my emotional deck fall, I subconsciously start to recognise that I'm running out of options.
I pull out the big guns: the Bazooka of Emotions, Anger, Hate, Fear. I feel the rush, it's great. Like 20 spoonfuls of sugar in a strong black coffee.
I get closer. It's daybreak and my hands and toes are frozen solid. I use the Sherpa trick of kicking the toe of my boots on every rock to activate circulation. I know it's foolish to put my hands into pockets for warmth, but I do. Now, if I trip, it's my nose and shoulder that'll take the brunt of the fall. I'm now vulnerable but warmer.
Then, I run out of steam. It's no good. Emotions are finished. I cry. There's no emotion left in me.
It's too cold to stop. I have to choose. Down or up. My body pivots, no emotions, no judgements. I'm too cold to think. My left foot steps, my right foot steps, I breathe. My breathing is easy now, my steps are lighter. WHAT?
And there it is. The Emotion has been stimulating my mind but it's been like a parachute on my back, blowing me down when I want to go up, sucking my energy. Those emotions felt great, but they were, in spite of making my head spin with self delusion, sucking my energy dry.
Suddenly, there are just steps, breaths, wind, and walk. I don't look up to the summit. I've been doing that since Emotion took control, aiming at the finish trying to motivate myself "You're doing great Chris," but oh, what rubbish..... what ignorance.
Now, my head is high, my eyes are on the rocks ahead. I step, breathe, smile, step, breathe, smile and soon, there is no separation. I'm smiling, stepping, breathing and being.
I make it. No one ever walked this way before. I feel - I feel - I feel nothing. With no emotion, it's a non event. I sit in the shelter of a rock, munch my frozen Mars Bar, try to sip a drop from my frozen water bottle. I take a few pictures of a magnificent sunrise over Mt Everest - Sagamatha - she's just a stones throw away. I am in heaven.
When I turn to go down, I still have no emotion. I am inspired. It soon changes.
What was a trudge coming up, is now a treacherous slide prone slope. I can see the frozen lakes, 1,000 meters below me. Emotion is back, I shit myself. Doubt creeps in.
Doubt is the worst of all emotions. But you can't have one emotion without the others. You can't say, "I want the good emotions" but "please no bad ones" - that's psychology and that's why mental health is on the rise. Stupid idea - half life.... mumbo jumbo.. new age foolishness.
Doubt creeps in. I welcome it. It's my old friend. I know him well. It seeps through my bones, my boots, my goggles. Doubt, doubt, doubt.... I welcome it in the hope it will pass on its own. It doesn't. It sticks.
I know the remedy.... I apply it, and enjoy the journey down. It hasn't always been like that.
When I first started dealing with doubt on top, I tried to fight it, or process it, or reason with it. And as I'd decend, I'd slip and slip, and stumble and slide. I knew how to be brave in spite of doubt but that didn't work. Doubt sabotages everything.
I reach the bottom, stroll back to the lodge. It's been 7 hours since I left. My feet are sore. I have a slight headache from ascent and decent.
An old friend, a beautiful lady walks into the room. I jump up with glee. Emotion is back, and she and I are glad for it. And yet, it was she who taught me how to put it aside. It was she who taught me to deal with doubt. We welcome emotion, then put it aside.
How are you? she asks in Tibetan.
I nod then tilt my head... my way of asking the same... she nods....
I order food for two.
We sit side by side in silence. Nothing needs to be said.
We love, and we know it. There's just no need to show it.
And our doubts are cleared.
Nepal Himalayas - The Day My Heart Stood Still
Chris Walker < http://www.chriswalker.com.au > is a visionary business consultant and of the world's leading facilitators of Personal/Professional Development. Author, consultant and professional speaker, his considered a leader in the field of human potential and lifestyles for success. His VIP and Mastery Programs have been attended by thousands of individuals around the world seeking tools to live life and manage their careers to their fullest potential.
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